THE BIG BANG: Nerve's Guide to the New Sexual Universe

In cooperation with Nerve we have a sample chapter of the book for your enjoyment:

There is a long-standing fire-and-brimstone tradition of public health taking a backseat to religion. Misinformation about condoms is widely disseminated by anti-choice radicals from here to Congress, mostly at the expense of the health of women and teens—including blatant lies like "safe sex education encourages promiscuity," and "the HIV virus can leak through the pores in latex," and "condoms can cause cervical cancer." Ahhhbullshitchoo!

The scientifically sound results are in. Honest, fact-based safer sex education programs and easy access to condoms help reduce rates of disease and pregnancy among teens who are already sexually active. Consistent and correct condom use reduces the risk of HIV transmission by as much as 10,000 times (the studies that reported the HIV virus leaking through latex were done using particles 100 million times smaller than the HIV found in semen). And while condoms admittedly do not cover all the genital skin through which some infections can be passed (such as herpes and HPV), they do cover the areas of the penis where the majority of sexually transmitted diseases and infections hang out. In fact, failure to use condoms has been shown to be one of the highest risk factors for contracting the HPV infections that can cause cervical cancer. By reducing the exchange of the bodily fluids most likely to carry sexually transmitted diseases (ejaculate, vaginal secretions, saliva, sore discharges), condoms are pretty much the only form of birth control that can help protect against said STDs. (Diaphragms and spermicides might help with some infections, but they don't hold a candle to condoms.) When your worries about STDs and pregnancy are reduced, you can better focus on the matter at hand: you and your partner's pleasure. Condoms are readily available, inexpensive (on average, about seventy-five cents a pop), disposable, and cause few side effects, if any. Plus, if you get the really thick kind, they can make sex last longer. Goooooooo, condoms!

If we hear any more whining about how condoms are annoying, uncomfortable deal breakers, we are going to puke. Could it be you've been using nonlubricated, inch-thick, five-cent prophylactics from a vending machine all your life? So condoms don't figure in your full-on, flesh-to-flesh fantasy world—we get it. We're also sure that oozing genital ulcers and child-support payments don't pop up in that utopia either.

If you make putting on a condom an integral part of sex, it's inherently sexy. What could be hotter than kneeling above your luvva, staring them straight in the eye, tearing the wrapper off a condom like a mini striptease, and oh so slowly unraveling it over the throbbing specimen in play? As Yogi Berra once said, "Half this game is ninety percent mental." If you think it's hot, then it will be.

Granted, sensual pleasure was not a top priority for the American condom industry during most of the twentieth century, and very few technological advances were made. But leave it to good ol' fashioned international economic competition to finally create some innovation in the biz. About ten years ago, Japan threatened to lure American customers away with their new, ultra-thin inventions, so the Yankee companies finally stepped up to the plate. Today there's a whole slew of new materials, shapes, and sizes designed not only to protect, but to provide pleasure. Who knew? The key is to invest in that pleasure. Experiment with different brands. Seek out thinner varieties for a warmer, more natural feel—as long as they're FDA approved, they've passed the same safety requirements the thicker brands have. And if you're still having trouble getting over the hump during a hump, then practice: Masturbate with a condom to condition your cock-a-doodle for "the real thing." Gals, don't just leave it up to your partners to provide; have an opinion on the matter—and supplies on hand. And everybody, pay a little extra, would you? These are your family jewels, after all. Don't they deserve the very best?

Once upon a time—1993, to be exact—a clever Indian surgeon by the name of A.V.K. Reddy thought outside the condom box and designed a prophylactic with, get this, pleasure in mind. Ingenious. The resulting Pleasure Plus condom has a patented, asymmetrical pouch of extra ribbed latex that lines up with the sensitive frenulum (where the underside of the shaft meets the head). More room means less constricted nerve endings; extra material means extra stimulation. The ladies even benefit from the bunching that occurs near the base.

After Reddy's company went bankrupt and he lost his Pleasure Plus rights to another condom manufacturer, Reddy had to start over. We like to think he just couldn't get rid of the voices in his head, à la Field of Dreams: "If you build it, they will come." Well, build it he did. Though the Inspiral looks like a balloon sculpture on acid, its bulging pouches spiral around the head of the penis for a looser fit and much more sensitivity. It was designed with the penis in mind, but women really seem to go gaga for it, too. It's one of the most expensive latex brands out there, but add a little lube inside the head and you'd probably be willing to pay.

And now it seems Trojan's caught on to this whole "pleasure" thing with their new Trojan Her Pleasure: a latex condom that balloons out midway up the shaft, all the way up to the tip, with eleven alternating rows of raised bars around the bottom half of the shaft. These ribs for her pleasure might actually work for once, since they line up with the outer third of the vagina during penetration—where it counts.The loose fit of the top half should help put a smile on his face, too.

You name it, condoms have probably been made from it at some point during their centuries-old history: oiled silk paper, papyrus soaked in water, fish bladders, linen, thin leather, tortoiseshell, animal horn, human muscle tissue, gourds, sheep intestines....In fact, some are still made from animal membranes for those allergic to latex. Delicately referred to as "lambskin condoms," these hoods have a natural feel and keep runaway sperm from escaping, but they are too porous to keep the HIV virus contained. So unless you're in a monogamous, HIV-negative relationship, fugghedaboutit.

Condoms became "rubbers" when they began being mass-produced from latex, a strong and thinpored type of rubber, in the mid-1840s. Today, it's still the prophylactic material of choice for producers and consumers, as it protects against pregnancy and HIV transmission (not to mention the fact that it's cheap). But latex is not without its faults: It smells kind of, well, rubbery; it disintegrates when combined with oil-based lubes; it can feel like wearing a thick winter sock; and it's prone to breakage under duress (e.g., too tight a fit, or not enough lube). But that's just nitpicking when you consider all the sexual freedom latex provides you.

The newest godsend in the condom department is polyurethane—cue the singing angels!—the material of the future, a Walt Disney wet dream, plastic. The benefits of polyurethane are myriad: much, much thinner, odor-free and tasteless, transparent and thus respectful of every erection's inherent beauty, not as sensitive to direct heat and light, compatible with any and all lubricants (including oil-based ones), more heat conductive than latex (a major factor in men's pleasure), and hypoallergenic. But—and there's always a but—it's not as elastic as latex, so it can't stretch as much before breaking (which is just another great reason to use lube—it helps reduce the likelihood of breakage). While laboratory tests have proven that sperm and viruses (including HIV) cannot pass through a polyurethane wall (it's 100 percent nonpermeable), the FDA has yet to establish a protocol for testing the material's rates of effectiveness against STDs and pregnancy, and therefore cannot wholeheartedly recommend it for such in good conscience. (Only those who are allergic to latex get the FDA's polyurethane thumbs-up.) Still, in all the years Condomania.com (one of the leading online retail condom stores) has been selling the polyurethane condoms available (Avanti Super Thin and Trojan Supra), they have never received any complaints about their effectiveness.

Condoms can be lubricated, lubricated-with-spermicide, or nonlubricated. The first kind are either coated with water-based lube (a.k.a. jelly) or, more commonly, have silicone-based lube built in. Just remember that silicone lube will destroy silicone toys, so when you're swapping props, be sure to use condoms with water-based lube only. Most lubricated condoms automatically come with spermicide to help prevent pregnancy—which is great if that's your only concern. But if STDs are, too, then drop the condom and walk away—nonoxynol-9, which is the condom manufacturers' spermicide of choice, has been shown in some studies to cause vaginal irritation, which can help spread infections like HIV. Nonlubricated condoms may be the best way to go, because then you can custom-pick your lube to suit you, your condom, and your toys. If we haven't made it painfully obvious already, we're staunch advocates of lube—a little drop on the inside of the right condom, a little on the outside, and paradise is in your third arm's reach.

If we've said it once, we've said it once: It's not the size of the boat but the motion of the ocean. However, you've got to outfit that boat properly if you want smooth sailing. Experiment with different lengths, widths, and shapes to get the right fit—a millimeter or two could make all the difference. If a condom is too tight, not only will it break more easily, it'll choke the nerve endings in the penis, reducing sensitivity. And if it's too short, it'll leave more skin exposed to possible infection and slip off more easily (though this is usually only a problem for men of the most porno proportions). Read labels: Some companies use the term "large" to refer to diameter, rather than length, so be sure you're on the same page. For more headroom, and thus more sensation against the head from the loose material, choose a condom that's wider at the tip and tapered at the shaft (the different diameters may be listed on the label or it may say "oversized tip" or "balloon top"). Just be sure it's not too loose, or you and your pride (not to mention your partner) will be headed for dangerous waters. Contempo Exotica Snugger-Fit is the shortest and slimmest condom with FDA approval—and, regrettably, the cheesiest naked-lady packaging—available. That's right, there's no such thing as "small" in the condom biz. Smart cookies.

We know you don't want to hear it, but you can give and get diseases like gonorrhea, chlamydia, genital herpes, syphilis, HPV and HIV from having unprotected oral sex. Of course, licking latex is about as tasty as sucking on a rubber band (to say nothing of the spermicide that might temporarily numb your tongue). Here's when you reach for the flavored barrier protection. Since flavored brands are only available in latex, it'll still taste like you're sucking on a rubber band, but at least it'll have some kick: strawberry, vanilla, chocolate, orange, tangerine, banana, grape, mint, even cola. Plasticky-tasting polyurethane condoms don't come flavored, but you can add lickable products like Hot Licks and ID Juicy Lube, or even chocolate sauce and whipped cream, since the oil in those foods won't damage polyurethane (unlike latex). Whatever flavored agent you use, just be sure to keep it away from sensitive vaginas to avoid infections and allergic reactions.

To go bump in the night, try textured condoms. Traditional ribbed ones look a bit like flexi-straws (okay, so you have to squint to see the resemblance); designed for the nonpenetrating partner's pleasure, ribbed condoms may or may not do it for you—we think probably not, though a placebo effect may be all ya need. Trojan Her Pleasures (see above) may work better than others, since they've got the ribs in the right place. Or try ultra-thin condoms with tiny bumps or studs on the outside, inside, or both. Kimono Sensations are 20 percent thinner than standard condoms, with rows of textured "sensi-dots" lining the inside for his pleasure.

They even make condoms with "climax control" lubricant on the inside for those with stamina issues or marathon aspirations. (Trojan Extended Pleasure latex condoms are the first to contain a desensitizer—4 percent benzocaine—in the lubricant.) But whatever you use, just make sure it's FDA approved and not some novelty item they've been selling at Spencer's for the past twenty years.