The positive implications this product offers the world extend far beyond Condomania's humble claims of reduced slipping and pinching.

First of all, it's based on an orderly structure. As our nation stubbornly rejects the metric system, quibbles over the idea of an official language, and even refuses to agree on Daylight Savings Time, Condomania provides a system that everyone can accept: a standardized penis scale. This could be a powerful diplomatic tool, particularly if it was accepted as the American Standardized Penis Scale. In cases of conflict, we could forget the whole bloody battle façade and cut right to the chase. Which bureaucrat scores better on the ASPS? Considering what is truly at stake in a power struggle, it seems this method would be much less arbitrary than warfare.