I, for one, sleep a little better at night when I remember that P. Diddy has his own manservant. Knowing that Farnsworth is there to satiate Mr. Diddy's every need leaves one less worry for me.
I also take comfort in headlines so poignant as: "Worms live longer and have fun, too." If this Reuters report of our Caenorhabditis elegan friends is true, then surely there is also hope for the Homo sapien.
But if tidbits are not enough to reassure you, perhaps you fill find solace in this even greater revelation: a man can now buy a condom in 55 different sizes.
Condomania.com offers contraceptive devices that are tailored to fit precise dimensions. All a gentleman must do is download the Web site's Fit Kit, print out the provided guide and assemble the template into a beautiful piece of origami that he can use to measure the body part in question. The folded contraption will allow him to determine his TheyFit Condom size from the 55-size spectrum, which ranges from the modest J33 to the more awe-inspiring G22.
The positive implications this product offers the world extend far beyond Condomania's humble claims of reduced slipping and pinching.
First of all, it's based on an orderly structure. As our nation stubbornly rejects the metric system, quibbles over the idea of an official language, and even refuses to agree on Daylight Savings Time, Condomania provides a system that everyone can accept: a standardized penis scale. This could be a powerful diplomatic tool, particularly if it was accepted as the American Standardized Penis Scale. In cases of conflict, we could forget the whole bloody battle façade and cut right to the chase. Which bureaucrat scores better on the ASPS? Considering what is truly at stake in a power struggle, it seems this method would be much less arbitrary than warfare.
Another promising aspect of "TheyFit" condoms is that they level the playing field among males and females. There is now a counterbalance in the society where citizens can recite what an ideal woman's measurements should be. If a fellow demands his lady be nothing other than 35-24-36, why, she herself should insist that he is nothing less than a Z17. If they want to size to matter, then sister, make it matter.
Finally, Condomania's brainchild could generate capitalistic benefits, as the custom-fit condom industry can only expand. Condom tailoring will rise as a specialized profession, and hobbyists in a spectrum of fields can get a jump on this opportunity.
Established seamstresses can apply their designing abilities to a fresh set of patterns. Clowns with experience in balloon sculpture can practice their art of latex manipulation in this exciting new domain. And just as one-name clothiers erect empires from their brands, so will the flourishing condom outfitters of the future.
It's true that a condom can't save this bitter world. It can't feed the hungry; it can't give a child a place to live. But it can give us hope. It reminds us that solutions to our problems may come in small packages. Or bigger packages, if one is blessed. But most importantly, we can take such glimpses of genius as gentle affirmations that the world is still turning. If such a sparkling truth exists, things can't be that bad.
